As I told a couple different folks yesterday, I’m down, but I’m not out.

And Adahlia sure as heck isn’t either.

Today, for the very first time ever, I was told that my urine sample contained bacteria. (Yes, this is a website for Adahlia, but I feel strongly our conditions are linked… Especially as they have developed together. I’ve never believed that her case was a straight, simple, genetic bone-marrow failure.)

What does this mean? We don’t know yet. I think this is the first time my urine has come back positive, not “perfect” (and a big reason I haven’t gotten better, appropriate care) because a) I’ve been breastfeeding, and therefore drinking insane amounts of water and b) this is the first time they’ve asked for first-thing-in-the-morning pee, which is the most concentrated, and most likely to show bacteria. It’s something to think about, for the doctors who read this blog, next time you have a mystery patient with hydronephrosis.

In the past 48 hours, I’ve done qigong twice, given myself 2 moxa treatments, and Joe’s given me the most amazing reiki treatments.

I feel i am mending, healing. During treatments I feel warmth, openness, and pulsation, and a lack of pain, a freeness, in the areas of my back and abdomen that otherwise feel cramped, dark, heavy and painful. It is the sort of things a skeptical person would say are impossible to feel, just as a human might tell a bee it is impossible to see the ultraviolet light patterns of a flower, simply because he cannot see them himself, when really, its matter of sensitivity.

Am i out of the woods? Heck no. There is still a dead-feeling, thick, achy, heavy thing in my mid-right-back. But I believe it can be revived, for my Right Kidney pulse is still there, albeit struggling, and I can feel my right kidney channel now, all the way down to the ball of my foot, where it gets warm during treatments, and there is an electric, static-buzzing-surging sensation, and the image is like that of a bubbling warm spring, turning back on.

Is Adahlia in the clear? No. But we are going to keep up this intense pace of treatments until I am definitely better this time. And I will keep at her treatments, too, which I will tell you about in a bit.

I’d like to thank all the kind people who have and are donating their healing skills, time as babysitters, and groceries. Everyone who is sending prayers and energy. I thank you so much for sending your love.

Now let me tell you a bit about our story.

My pregnancy was beautiful. Exhausting? Yes. But beautiful, and I (we) were blessed in many ways during it. The birth, likewise. We chose to do it naturally, at Andaluz Waterbirth Center, and it was the most romantic, deeply sensual experience I have ever had in my life. Painful? Yes. But glorious. Ridiculous glorious.

There was one – ok, two – major hiccups in the pregnancy. First, I got in a car accident just shy of two months in. It wasn’t super serious, but it messed up my neck and back, especially because my hormones were already loosening my ligaments, and compounding the effects of the initial trauma, as well as making it more difficult for vertebra to stay in place whole set. The blessing in disguise, if course, was that I was able to receive really quality care during that period of time. Do I think it played a major role in her (our) current condition? No.

But the second thing, I think, did. During the 7th month, I had an episode of INTENSE back pain, mostly on my right side, but it traveled down my flank. It was so bad, I nearly vomited. I rested for 2 days with a heating pad — the only thing that could take the pain down even a notch was high heat and lying still, on my right side or back. It scared me, and I told my care providrs about it, but imaging isnt really an option during pregnancy, and i was adamant that no one would take away right to natural birth. Besides, it kind if sounds like passing s kidney stone right? So we decided to wait and see.

During this time, my kidney pulse, which sudden strength is an indicator of pregnancy, and was stronger on the right than the left, because I was carrying a girl, suddenly dropped out. I was very concerned, but I was under the care of an expert acupuncturist at the time, who told me not to worry, and she doubled her efforts in treating me.

A couple weeks later the pain happened again… it started gearing up and i took preventative measures of heat and rest, and it never reached its zenith. I never took any drugs for it. During the birth, my back pain was excruciating. And then, I had difficulty breastfeeding side lying on the left – the only way to lessen my pain was to lie on my back or on my right. I gritted my teeth and did what my baby needed.

At the time, I assumed my pain was musculoskeletal and it lessened over the weeks.

But Adahlia, hers didn’t.

When she was born, she shot out into the water, I scooped her up, joes hands behind mine, and we held her to my chest. Adahlia did not cry- she looked up at me with her big black eyes, exhausted but serene, like a supernatural being, and I whispered her name to her, which she accepted with apparent solemnity.

She cried a couple hours later that night, for about an hour, when I fumbled her a bit, trying to get her in a good position for feeding. But in general, she barely cried those first days, and when she did, I knew it was for food or comfort and I was not alarmed. She actually smiled in her sleep, and once, while I fed her, she smirked at me, as though laughing at me. Our connection, bond, which had grown during pregnancy, was great.

Until about 3 days post-birth. Then, she lost her shit. There is simply no other way to put it.

She began screaming incessantly. When she wasn’t asleep or feeding, she was screaming at full bore, as though terrified or in excruciating pain. She was truly inconsolable; she HOWLED.

I know what you’re thinking: allergies, right?

No. I did not do a full elimination diet, as I was weak and fatigued, and strangely cold, despite friends telling me that the heat of pregnancy stayed with them through breastfeeding. i had little appetite, but for ed myself to eat, knowing we needed the energy. We cut out dairy entirely and limited other common sensitivities to no avail.

Nothing we did helped – and we tried everything. We gave her massages and baths and massages in baths. Refusing to accept the verdict of colic, and a baby in excruciating pain for the first 3 months of life, we took her to renown homeopaths and a retired, expert baby body-psycho-therapists, who agreed to come pit of retirement to see us. It helped, but it didn’t fix her issues. The midwives were at a loss. She still screamed, and it was terrible. It was sometimes as if she were seeing ghosts. I felt strongly that she was in great pain, under attack from something. She was trying to get me to help her. We did energy work, reiki, with her when she slept and when we held her and whenever possible. Sometimes it seemed to help. Sometimes, it seemed like it made her only scream more.

The only thing that nearly always helped was for me to really connect with her in her misery, to let myself come down and feel her pain as if it were my own, to the point where tears streamed down my face. Then, sometimes, she would stop crying and pass out. But to do that multiple times a day was exhausting… and sorrowful. The only other thing that would help was when I would chant and sing to her, in low, rising, and falling sacred tones and syllables, as we slowly rocked and walked. Then, sometimes, she’d rest. I would chant and sing to her for hours.

The only other time she often did not cry was in the presence of strangers, when the grandparents or friends came to the house. She simply huddled close. In general, she seemed terrified, and angry, and in pain.

She had bruises on the inside of her legs after about a week, where her diaper pressed against her legs. She was no longer relaxed; a very tense baby. She was pale and looked yellow to me at times. People remarked on her paleness but no professionals felt concerned. I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t just colic. I searched the internet and asked the midwives again and again if it was possible she had an infection. She had no fever; they shook their heads. Our lives had become living hell. Older women smiled condescendingly, and peers commiserated, saying, “new baby, new parents!” But no one took us seriously. At her four week checkup, her weight was still up and seemed healthy, medically.

Then one Monday, I went in for another follow up chiropractic appointment at Growing Care, one day shy of Adahlia’s seven week anniversary. Over the past 36 hours, she had slept more, and eaten less. She was never chunky, but we had noticed she was becoming a thin baby now. And truly pale. But after so many folks had dismissed it, we had begun to accept it. Our final well-baby appointment with the midwives was scheduled for later that week.

… And now, I must go in to my doctors appointment. More later…